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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23596126">beer fear</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfwayinit/pseuds/halfwayinit'>halfwayinit</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EastEnders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Lyric fic, M/M, Uni AU, dont ask me what this is bc i don’t have an answer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 00:09:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,481</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23596126</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfwayinit/pseuds/halfwayinit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>when it comes to admitting your feelings for your best mate, all it takes is a little dutch courage.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>95</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>beer fear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>title and lyrics from lucy spraggan’s ‘last night’</p><p>i got inspired to write this fic out of absolutely nowhere and i felt like i couldn’t stop until it was finished - so here it is lol<br/>i hope it’s at least half decent enough for you to enjoy</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>
    <em>Last night I told ya I loved ya</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Woke up blamed it on the vodka</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The white light streaming in from the gap in the curtains has Ben awake far earlier than he’d like. He throws out a hand to search for his phone on the nightstand, the 7:24am lighting up the screen making him groan in annoyance. He hasn’t got any classes until 11 this morning so he was hoping to sleep off his hangover before he had to get up and be a fully functioning student.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But, judging by the way his head is pounding and his stomach feels like it’s inside out, he hasn’t managed to do that. Maybe it’s the eleven vodka and white’s he drank the night before, followed by a few too many jagerbombs. Who knows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s debating attempting to crawl to the bathroom in search of some paracetamol when his phone goes off. When Callum’s name comes up, a flashback hits Ben like a tonne of bricks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Flashing lights on the dancefloor, downing off the rest of his drink and making his way over to Callum, saying something about being pretty sure he’s in love with him. That’s about as much as Ben remembers, isn’t even sure about how he got back to his halls.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d met Callum about a year ago, introduced by some mutual friends on their course. It didn’t take long for them to hit it off, pretty much becoming inseparable within a few weeks. Now, Ben’s gone and ruined it by getting drunk and telling Callum about his </span>
  <strike>
    <span>little</span>
  </strike>
  <span> massive crush on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben wants the bed to open up and swallow him whole. He’s never going to be able to face Callum again. Jesus, how the fuck did he think it was a good idea to say something like that? Dutch courage is an awful thing, Ben thinks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite every instinct he has telling him to just delete the message and pretend he never even met Callum Highway, he swipes across the notification to open the text. He’s expecting a polite rejection, maybe even a warning to stay away from him. But, it’s nothing like that at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum: [hey, hope ur not too hungover after last night :) fry up later in the caf before class?] 7:32am</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben’s brow furrows in confusion, he reads the message again to make sure he hadn’t missed the part where Callum told him to stay away from him. He waits for a few seconds, thinking maybe Callum hadn’t meant the message for him. But when a follow up text doesn’t come, it leaves Ben even more confused than he already was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Had he made the whole thing up? Maybe he dreamt the whole thing, vodka clouding his memory and having him think it actually happened. His head aches the more he thinks about it, so he just types out a quick reply and throws his phone across the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben: [feel like shit, you? yeah sounds good, see you at 10?] 7:35am</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulls the duvet over his head and begs sleep to come for even just another hour, promising himself that he’ll never </span>
  <em>
    <span>ever </span>
  </em>
  <span>drink vodka again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>I genuinely thought I was dying</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>And I could see that smile you were hiding</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s sat in the corner of the café when he spots Callum walking in, Callum seems to see him at the same time, a wide smile taking over his face at the sight of Ben.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look like you’ve had better mornings” Callum’s voice is bright and chirpy, obviously not nearly as hungover as Ben. He drops into the chair across the table, a laugh falling from his lips at Ben’s state.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben glares at Callum but there’s no heat behind it, never is when it comes to Callum. He’s impossible to stay mad at. All he has to do is smile in that doe-eyed way he does, and every coherent thought leaves Ben head at once.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How come you’re not as hungover as me? I seem to remember you being the one to suggest the third jagerbomb!” Ben swats at him with the menu, trying to fathom how Callum can look so good after a night of clubbing when Ben resembles a troll. And not even one of those cute Disney trolls, an actual under-the-bridge, solve-my-riddle-to-pass troll. It’s not a good look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum lets out a loud laugh, ducking out of the way of Ben’s sad attempts at hitting him, and Ben can’t find it in him to be mad that it makes his headache even worse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe because I didn’t drink a litre of vodka before them” he’s teasing, and he loves the pink flush it brings out across Ben’s cheeks. A comfortable silence settles between them, Ben analysing the menu and wondering if he could get away with a fry up without puking it back up after.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum bites down on his lip, wondering if he should try and bring up what Ben had said to him. He remembers every detail from last night, didn’t get as drunk as the rest of his friends. Partly because he has assignment deadlines coming up, but also partly because he could see how wasted Ben was and he didn’t want him to get hurt or pass out somewhere.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ducks his head, a smile tugging at corners of his lips. Ben’s words were on a constant loop in his mind all morning, the way he had clung on to Callum’s shirt as he whispered against his neck.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I think I’m in love with you</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It had sent a thrill up Callum’s spine, made his fingers tingle with want. But, he wasn’t stupid. No matter how much he ached for Ben to mean those words, he knew his friend was wasted. Callum wasn’t stupid enough to think that someone like Ben would want someone like him, but it didn’t stop him for hoping, from longing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He cleared his throat quietly, figuring it was either now or never. He’d regret it later if he didn’t at least ask, “So about last night-“ Callum hardly even had the words out before Ben was cutting across him, groaning loudly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh mate honestly, I hardly remember a thing. Don’t even know how I made it home” Ben can’t meet Callum’s eyes, staring down at the menu like it holds the answers to all the world’s secrets. He wishes it could tell him how to fix this mess, but no luck. He can’t believe he made such an idiot of himself, he just hopes Callum’s memory isn’t as good as his own.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh really?” If Callum’s voice is dejected, then Ben doesn’t notice. He doesn’t even bother telling Ben he had been the one to get him home, Ben’s arm draped around his shoulder, clinging on to his jacket as he navigated them through the city streets. Or how he had helped Ben to undress, pulled the duvet up over him before setting a glass of water down on his nightstand for the morning. And, if he had pressed a kiss to Ben’s forehead before leaving, well nobody needed to know.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum figures maybe it’s for the best, it’s obvious that Ben wasn’t in his right mind. He could have his pick of any lad on campus, in the city even. So why would he settle for Callum?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Probably for the best” Callum forces himself to huff out a laugh, “You were talking all sorts of shit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben just laughs and nods, wishes with every bone in his body that things could be different. That he could be different, someone worthy of Callum.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe in another life.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Last night I told ya I need ya</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>That’s the last time I drink tequila</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Callum wakes, it’s to the warm and comfortable weight of another body laying atop his own. When he glances down, the mop of brown hair gives away exactly who it is. It makes his heart flutter in his chest, has him wondering what the fuck happened last night, not that he’d complain about waking up to Ben Mitchell in his bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, he’s hit with the memory of the previous night. Throwing back tequila shots while the heavy bass blaring through the club’s speakers thrummed through his veins. He remembers the jealousy the curled hot in his belly when he watched someone dance up against Ben, clearly hoping to take him home, hands making their way to his waist while they grinded up against him. It’s a bit of a blur from there, he remembers taking a few confident strides over to Ben, words of want and need slipping out from his lips, Ben’s lips on his own, his mouth travelling down to Callum’s neck, sucking and biting, the taxi ride home, collapsing into the cramped single bed, but then.. nothing. He can’t remember what happened from then on, a tequila clouded haze over his brain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben’s a dead weight on Callum’s arm, and judging by the way they’re both fully clothed from the waist down, he’s pretty sure they didn’t get much further than a few drunken kisses. Callum’s half tempted to try and drag himself from the bed, pretend that he slept on the couch while Ben took over his bed, but then his mind takes him back to the way Ben had kissed him back like it was everything he had ever wanted, and it stops him from moving at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum lets himself dare to believe that maybe, just maybe, Ben meant it all those weeks ago when he’d whispered those words hot against Callum’s skin. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I think I’m in love with you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Even now, after all this time has passed, they make butterflies erupt in Callum’s stomach, a cacophony of </span>
  <em>
    <span>he loves you, you love him, just try, what can you lose?</span>
  </em>
  <span> beating hard and heavy in his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hardly has a second to weigh up his options before Ben’s stirring beside him, throwing his leg over Callum’s, almost pinning to him to the bed. But strangely, it doesn’t feel like he’s trapped, instead he feels like he’s exactly where he’s meant to be, lets his limbs sink further into the mattress.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben’s voice is rough when he speaks, a tell-tale sign that he spent far too long screaming out the lyrics to some god-awful top forty hit on the dancefloor, “Mornin’” it’s short and sweet, Callum would almost have himself think Ben hadn’t even realized it was him that he was pressing himself closer to if he hadn’t added on, “Bit strange to be waking up to your abnormally long limbs all over me”, Ben’s voice is light and a soft laugh escapes him, like he can’t quite believe this is happening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum’s silent until Ben opens his eyes, shuffles a little in the bed until they can look at each other properly. “Unless..” Ben’s starts to move away from him slowly, untangling his limbs from Callum’s, “You’ve just woken up and realized you’d rather be anywhere but here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes a second for Ben’s words to register with Callum, but when they do he’s grabbing for Ben’s hand, trying to stop him from getting up from the bed and leaving Callum alone. The thought makes him shiver a little, the cold morning air sweeping across his bare torso and littering goosebumps across his skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ben, no. I just.. I don’t understand how we ended up here?” Callum feels a bit stupid admitting it. Obviously, he knows how they physically ended up here, but it was only a few weeks ago that Ben had drunkenly told him he loved him and then acted like it never happened when he sobered up. It feels like whiplash and Callum’s scared to jump in the deep end, to leave himself open and vulnerable with someone as unpredictable as Ben.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows that Ben doesn’t do relationships, or love. He’d admitted it one night to Callum, the two of them the last one’s standing at some house party, laying on a makeshift bed of cushions on a randomer’s living room floor. Callum had never seen Ben so open, tears burning in his eyes as he whispered in the dark about a love and a loss that had left his heart irreparably broken, how he would never let himself be vulnerable to something like that again. Callum’s heart had ached for him, he’d wanted to reach out and tell Ben that love can be healing, something good that shines bright just when you think you’ll never find light again in all the darkness, but he didn’t. He wishes he had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now, Ben twists in Callum’s hold until he’s resting on his forearms, Callum underneath him. “You want the truth?” he asks, the softness of his voice reflecting the intimacy of the moment. He waits for Callum to nod shakily before he continues, eyes locked to Callum’s own, searching for something – anything – that tells him this isn’t one sided.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The truth is that, I got stupid drunk one night and admitted that I have some..feelings for you. But then the next day I chickened out when you didn’t remember” Ben’s eyes shine with tears as he continues on, “And then last night, when you kissed me. God, Callum. I felt like everything finally just fell into place. But, if you don’t want me, if you think it was a mistake, then I can learn to live with that. But what I can’t live with is losing you as a friend because of this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Callum’s stunned, eyes roaming across Ben’s face for any sign that he isn’t being sincere, that he doesn’t actually mean what he’s saying. But he doesn’t find it. Ben’s baring his heart on his sleeve, Callum’s for the taking if he wants it, as if he could ever want anything or anyone else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course I want you Ben. God, I’ve wanted you for the longest time.” Callum reaches up to cup Ben’s cheek as he speaks, words that have been buried inside too long finally spilling out. “I did remember what you said that night, but I was a coward. When you said you couldn’t remember I just figured it was easier than having you admit that being with me wasn’t what you actually wanted.” He feels lighter once he’s finished, like a weight lifts off his chest that he hadn’t even realized he’d been carrying around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben leans down until they’re just inches apart, warm breath tickling Callum’s skin as he whispers into the space between them, “How could I ever not want you?”. Their gazes are locked, ocean blue eyes finding each other in the dim light of the morning, finally finding what they’ve been searching for all this time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Ben kisses Callum, it feels like the last piece of the puzzle is slotting into place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It feels like coming home. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you so much for reading!<br/>come find me on tumblr @halfwayinit and let me know what you thought :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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